Adventures in Social Anxiety Chapter 7 - Gas Stations (slightly longer, but more real in time scenarios, like the first two chapters)

I'm driving to the gas station, nerves shot from traffic. Pull in, it looks a little busy. Ugh. Okay. I start mapping out the area. Pumps clear. It's OnCue. Good.

Those old style 7-Elevens can be a nightmare to get in and out of, and I will run the car dry before I sit and wait and navigate through a horde of people getting gas. The car provides a little safety but still people may honk or get upset, even if it's the person in front of me taking forever so it shoots my anxiety up and I'm simply in line getting gas.

Back to OnCue. Think I'll get a drink and a snack. I start walking to the main door and see traffic going in and out. Fine. Whatever, so I go to the side entrance with the bathrooms. It's usually clear there. No awkward door moments. Head for the fountain drinks but oh someones there already. Blah. Shop for chips it is. I already know what kind I want (those Bloomin Onion Funyuns)

I pick out my chips, and the fountains open so I beeline for it. I fill up most of my drink but it's fizz, so I eye the table, no ones there but that could change so I go ahead and grab my straw and lid.

I top off my drink, and someones coming up, so I dart off to the condiments by the roller grill, no ones there and put my drink and straw on, looking around make sure no ones watching, and test the drink make sure it's fresh. I take a deep breath.

Ah an Egg Roll sounds good. No ones there so I hurriedly yank the tongs out and toss the eggroll in its bag. I go for the line but alas, there is two clerks and people waiting. I need sunflower seeds. I don't but it will save me from standing by people. I keep eyeballing the line, waiting until I can go straight to the clerk.

It doesn't clear up. I'm talking myself out of Red Vines, knowing I'll eat the whole box over the next hour and hate myself. I get my card out and get ready, and I pull out my phone and pretend to be busy on Facebook, as I quietly slide into line. It's getting harder to breathe. Calm down. We all want to get out of here and do our business.

Inhale. Exhale. I start typing part of this adventure. Fortunately I glance up and I'm next. Okay. Ok. k. k which clerk. Uh oh. They finished at the same time. I start to panic, both are watching me.

Ones more my "type", much as I hate to say that, I do, more down to earth friendly looking girls, she has the smart look to her so I choose her.

Confession: if I don't know you already have anxiety issues, I default to friendly looking or educated women, if you don't suffer it, maybe you are at least smart enough to understand it.

My hands are shaking. I got this. I can't speak so I follow the card machine, not even caring if it's rung up right, I need out of there. Of course it's not reading my presses, so I'm getting frustrated, people are watching, she's watching. I'm looking dumb hitting it with my fingers and the pen.. I make it through and she asks if I want a bag, I nod no, say thank you and run out the door with my items, nearly knocking a customer over on my way out.

I scope out the pumps. I'm on 13 and there's someone on 11 & 12. Bleh. I need to wash my windows but it can wait. I go ahead and open my door, then set up the pump and start filling up. I take a sip of my drink and chow down the egg roll. I start feeling a bit better. Partly why I eat so much. It's therapeutic for my anxiety.

I hear the click, put the hose back and drive off, forgetting my receipt and later find out my gas cap, but I'm free. I can breathe. I need a nap. Almost as exhausting as Walmart, but a fairly average trip, they weren't as busy as they are at 7am. That's panic town.

Adventures in Social Anxiety Chapter 2: The Grocery Store

Hope this explains why I'm so awkward sometimes, especially if I'm close to someone. You are my mobile safe space #ProudSnowflake

Same parking issue as before, except more foot traffic. Where I parked, may as well have parked at Golds Gym. Fortunately inside wasn't that busy. Or was it? The other side, sometimes it's not always customers, it's employees. Humans. If the place was dogs I don't think I'd care. Easy upfront cart. Yay.

Make my way to produce. Uh oh. A lady that came in behind me was trailing, and we seemed to be going to the same places. Here we go. Produce pinball. Someone should video me in a store by myself or pull the security feed. Awkward.

I get a salad bag. They had the croutons I normally get on a display, but alas, the bags stuck and half the display collapses. I panic. Naturally I want to clean it up, and pay attention if you care, because I can panic if I drop something so don't rush me in to cleaning...I'm sure everyone's watching at this point. Stage fright.

My logic center is screaming chill, clean it up, move on. Yet I don't want to build back wrong (wait, I don't even work here). So as you'll see throughout this series, logically I know my fears are whack but everything else is freaking out man. Anyway, I get it set up and walk away hiding on my phone .

I need cucumbers. Start looking oh hey there's an employee stocking next to them. Ugh. Well I don't want to stop his work and I don't like picking produce when people are watching. What if I pick a bad one and they notice?

Again, ridiculous but crippling thoughts. I go off on my way, bouncing between other items where there is no one. Off to steaks. Oh no another employee. Is everyone stocking today?! No they are doing their jobs. Calm down.

I go down a familiar aisle. Oh! I need popcorn, it's down here.. No ones there, I'm relaxed a little. Acquired. I glance around the aisle and see no one at the cucumbers and beeline for them. Go through a few bent ones, looking over my shoulder making sure no ones watching. Target Acquired.

Go back to steaks. Employee is still there. I pretend to look at fishsticks and porkchops. The porkchops start looking really good but I can only think about a Jimmys Egg Breaded Pork Chops breakfast. Nah, I'll get those next time. Guys still there. Ugh. Maybe now. Home is sounding lovely right now. My safe space.

Finally, yes, he leaves. Steaks acquired. I dodge a few customers get some other things, no one already where I need to go, and even better, no one comes up until...I go for milk. I don't care much for the brand, but I do want the latest expiration date as I forget I have milk. I'm going through them and I'm seeing May 8th.

Really? Of course I'm glancing over, making sure no one's watching and sure enough someone's coming. I start to panic and finally notice May 22nd. It's the more expensive one but I don't even bother anymore, someone's coming I'm done looking. I grab one and scamper off.

That it's it. Time to check out. Here we go. Don't be busy. Don't be busy. Don't be busy. It isn't but they only have two lanes open. A main one and express. I had over ten items and each line had a customer, and of course the one in front of me has self bagged produce and a cartfull. Shoot. I start to panic.

People are going to come up. I haven't even begun to unload my cart. Then I remember oh this stores 20 items I have less than that. Beeline for express since I see only one customer and no one going for it. Still. Panic. She has produce to. I'm thinking chill.

Of course they don't care what you have or are doing, what does it matter, but my body is tensed up. Her items are still on the conveyer belt so I don't unload, and the divider is too far away, I'll bring attention to myself. It may not be needed and I don't want to look dumb. I'm smart though I'm thinking.

She gets cleared out and bagged, and to my relief no customers come up yet. It gets weird, the cashier doesn't say hello or anything. Maybe she has anxiety to. I'm one good looking person when I want to be so she could be as nervous. I can't decide whether to put my card in or not. I believe their systems good about your card at anytime but to be sure. Brains in overdrive over something we have done 1000s of times.

She starts handing me my bags and I take them as the transaction completes. She does thank me and I'm on my way. I start to relax but between the tag agency and there my anxiety is through the roof. I'm going home. Got stuff done way ahead of schedule.