Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Adventures in Social Anxiety Chapter 5: Social Conventions, Labels, & Assumptions

How my anxiety makes you wrong about me, only me, specifically.

This one is a doozy. Not as heavy on the real world scenarios. The next chapters are way better and more like the first two. Promise.

Humans #Notallhumans have a nasty way of assuming the worst of your best intentions, and it feeds my social anxiety. I can’t win. This year has been the worst in a few years, (~75% wrong rate) because people want to come up with crazy reasons why I do or don’t do stuff, when most of the time it boils down to three things:

Social anxiety, possible altruism, and having a totally different, unorthodox thought process(I don't think like others based on the below conditions).

Keep in mind anything I do is based off 10-20 thoughts, and that’s if I can even come to a conclusion, based off evidence, past history, moods, trust levels, and much much more.
I also don’t do anything because of my race, color, religion, creed, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, ancestry, age, veteran status, and or disability.

Most of the time I do or don’t do something it is extremely generalized, and even if I consciously know better, anxiety be like, no, can’t let you do that.

The biggest example, opening the door for someone. Purely out of kindness, well and granny taught me to always open the door for women, but I’ve evolved that into a general niceness thing. No big deal. . Of course sometimes I will fail it, because I get nervous and scared, the more people involved, the worse it gets.

Oh, and speaking of doors, you may notice I always seem to turn back to my car, or go the other way, like I was wanting to go that way but suddenly changed my mind. I didn't but anxiety grabbed ahold of me and, needing to catch my breath and relax, I flee the other way.

Another example, unless I am in the back of an elevator, if I can beeline out the door I will. Sometimes take the stairs for that reason, especially if I'm waiting outside the elevator with someone, or I feel them coming. I’m sure there’s some social convention about letting people out first ♡, but if I’m in an elevator with people I need out asap and that will override that prevailing thought.

So ladies take note, if you are expecting me to open some door for you because of being a “guy”, ♡,and I don’t, it’s nothing personal, I’m not being rude, I’m being scared and nervous! Look at it this way though, if I do, it means more since I had to overcome so much.

This happened awhile back. My car was a mess and I was going somewhere with someone. I got ahead and opened the passenger side first and tossed some things in back, thinking I’ll be nice and close the door once they sit, and I think they expected me to because they made a comment, but I was too afraid they would think I like them or I’d close the door to hard or not all the way and panicked and ran to the drivers side and we left.

Admittedly, I’m not as smart as I may come off, so don’t assume because of that, most of the time I truly don’t know better, anxiety is getting the best of me, or my completely different thought process that leads me to doing something of kilter but justified.

It's my friends cycle. Meet new friends > Best Friends Forever > Horribly Misunderstood Overblown Event Happens > Anxiety, that other thing comes out > Friend bails (Boom, Depression) or becomes Best Friends Forever. So part of why I'm afraid of people. So moving Anxiety to the front, see if I can break the cycle for the next friend.

I observe, calculate and think things way too much. So if you were asking me to do something and I do something else, it’s possible there was evidence I should that something else and so I went the other way. This happens all the time.

Unfortunately then people get upset with me. *not based on any event* For example. Hey meet me at Target! Okay. You text me later saying you’re at Ross. Okay. So do I meet you there then? I may go ahead and meet you there. Or I’ll pester you trying to get solid answer. Expand that to any situation. Make sense?

I don’t know what to do for fear of being wrong. My minds on fire trying to figure it out but can’t come to a decisive answer. I show up at Ross instead, not sure where I should be or what I’m doing. Things like that happen all the time to me.

I’m also borderline sexist towards dudes. I don’t mean any disrespect, but I can attribute 80% of my lifes anxiety and issues back to your average, everyday, Oklahoma type dude, err, southern types. It’s interesting.

This is hard to articulate, so don’t directly assume the worst, bear with me.

Unless I ask, it's work related,coming from one of my friends (you guys are awesome, and so if you're reading this you're good), if a dude says something to me, I won’t care and rebel with every fiber of my being.

That goes for their politicians, religions, rules, expectations, etc, because in my case, most of the time they are wrong, again, they maybe right about everything else, but in my life. Wrong. Not that women are perfect either. Y’all human and all a mess.

#Notalldudes I’ll try not to go on a rant, but most dudes annoy the heck out of me, are simple minded as fuck, are incapable of empathy, and don’t get me started on wanna be alphas like your president, and I find myself more afraid of them then anyone.

That’s general, not that I wouldn’t fight to defend myself or others, then again my thoughts would be like, no, I might punch wrong or look stupid getting hit in the face lol, the physical pains easy and heals.

No, I’m not a Beta. That is a fish and look how they'll fight. See. Dudes. Wrong again. I’m an Omega. I’m the end of all the typical guy conventions. So again, take note, you CANNOT think of me in the typical guy fashion,, because you will be disappointed, confused, and/or angry, and so will I. Save us the trouble.

You should already know this though. I’m plain simple Cory, so going back to the beginning, don’t do anything to me because of my race, color, religion, creed, sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, national origin, ancestry, age, veteran status, and or disability. If you can stay on that, you’ll unlock the best of me. Try to label me, put me in a box or as in Sonic, a "zone" if you will, and I will kick and scream and fight like a cat being put in the bath.

*side note* I worry more about some white dude ruining my life (which they have because they can’t think beyond their testosterone, in experience), than some Muslim killing me on the street. Men are the ones that cry that I need a haircut. Men are the ones that say I need to dress this way. Men are the ones that say I need to talk like this. Men are the ones that say I need to take advantage of my privilege. Men make most the stupid laws. That I need to be in the “club.” No compassion. No understanding. Most women and minorities have at least never cared.

So I tend to gravitate towards those groups, because, in my experience so for others it could be opposite, most the time they either don’t care, or are more down to Earth and realistic about life, and I can talk to them about anything without as much fear or judgement, thus reducing my anxiety and giving me peace.

Coming Soon:

Why do this? My social anxiety has an arguably crippling effect on my life, and with people that don't understand me, can manifest itself into disasters. By putting it out front, people can love me or leave me before we get to close and I get dependent on someone's support. In addition, it will help let others know and myself, they are not alone and can relate, which should also help.

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